The great Indian marriage dilemma !
Taken from my earlier blog:
‘The only thing constant in life is change’ goes the popular saying. Indeed, life always presents us with situations where we have to make decisions. These decisions have the potential to change our life either inconsequentially or in a big way. Marriage is one of them. Indeed, given the potential marriage can be a life altering change; a change which will either take you to new heights or plunge you into unknown depths of despair.
A few years back, I was working as a technical QA lead in a major Indian IT firm for a project belonging to a reputed Australian Bank. One day it so happened that a delegation from the client side paid us a visit. After the perfunctory meetings and presentations with the higher management, lunch was arranged. Being a senior resource and having considerable experience in the project, I was one of the lucky few among-st the senior management chosen to attend the lunch.
So we all went to this classy restaurant where a huge table was arranged for us. Seated just opposite to me was a high level director from the Bank and next to me was a colleague, also a senior member of the project. My colleague and I were nervous and hesitant to begin with, seated in close proximity to such a big-shot. But to his credit, our visitor was very genial and put us at ease right from the start. We soon started conversing about various topics. During the course of our conversation my colleague revealed that his marriage was fixed and wedding bells were due the coming month.
Our visitor was all smiles and congratulated him. “Hearty Congrats Mate!”, he said happily. “So wedding bells ringing for you next month eh?? Who’s the lucky girl, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Oh not at all! She is working as a software engineer in Bangalore.”, my colleague replied.
“That’s great!”, the Client said and continued “So it must be a great feeling, marrying your sweetheart.”
My colleague, a bit traditional and orthodox in nature blushed deep. It took him some time to recover before he replied.
“It’s actually an arranged marriage.”, he said.
“Hmm …. of course a marriage has to be ‘arranged' doesn’t it? Can’t just wake up one day and marry someone on the spur of the moment can you?” our visitor said jovially, in between spoonfuls of tomato soup.
“Oh no, it’s not like that.”, my colleague replied, blushing even deeper now. “My parents have met her parents and they approved the alliance.”
“If your parents like the girl, that’s even better. To think what a tough time I had convincing my prospective father in law when I wanted to marry my girlfriend back then! ”, our visitor said. Clearly, he was not getting the picture at all.
"How long have you known her then?", our visitor replied, tucking in the soup with great relish.
"We haven't met before.", my colleague replied sheepishly.
Our visitor did not comprehend at first.
"Eh, what's that?", he replied in between mouthfuls of soup.
Hitherto a mute witness to the conversation, I decided to pitch in. “What he means to say is that this marriage is fixed by his parents and not initiated by him.”, I said.
At first our visitor looked at me with a puzzled expression and then the truth dawned upon him. He almost dropped the soup-spoon in the bowl. “Really mate?”, he exclaimed wide eyed with surprise. “You’re telling me that you’re going to marry this girl whom you haven’t met before in your entire life?”, he asked my colleague incredulously.
My Colleague nodded his head.
Seeing the bewildered expression on our visitors' face, I proceeded to explain to him the entire mechanics of the Indian Marriage Machinery, right from start to finish. It went something like this:
Boy or girl in question both come of ‘suitable' age. Again in many cases, the suitable age is determined by parents.
Boy has to be ‘settled’ in career (settled meaning working for a top multinational company either in India or abroad) and should be drawing a decent six figure salary (chances are that the boy's parents would have already received thousands of alliances from eager parents of prospective brides before they even start the search).
Girl has completed education and preferably is also working.
Parents take a call and decide to search for an alliance for their child
Boy / girl’s profile is set up in various matrimonial sites. Preferences and search criterion are are added accordingly (Search criterion are a bit dicey. For example, I have come across this sentence on many profiles of prospective grooms. 'The girl should have a 'blend' of traditional and modern values' . Whatever that means! There are also various if's and but's attached to the search criterion such as the boy/girl should be from the same caste / sub-caste and a zillion other mesmerizing conditions which might test even google's highly developed search engine).
Word is spread in the market and among friends and relatives to search for a suitable match.
Boy / Girl then throw a spanner in the works by revealing about an affair which they have kept secret till now.
Flustered parents either bend to their children’s will or oppose it.
If the latter holds true then boy/girl elope and marry secretly.
If the above three points are not true then the search continues.
Broad minded parents will show the profiles of the people selected to their sons / daughters for their approval before proceeding further, the others don’t.
Then phone calls take place. Parents speak to the boy / girl’s parents and speak to the boy / girl themselves in some cases and proceed further if satisfied.
Then come the meetings. Parents arrange for a meeting between the boy and the girl with themselves in close proximity. Boys’ parents have a chance to see the girl and vice-versa.
Girl’s father eyes the boy sternly and evaluates his career prospects and gauges the boy’s confidence in general.
Boy’s parents evaluate the girl for her homeliness and nature.
Usually, the parents take the call and fix the alliance. Broad minded and considerate parents arrange for the boy and girl to chat in private. The others don’t.
Like SRK’s seventy minutes in ‘Chak De’, the boy / girl have a similar period of time or lesser to chat and evaluate whether he/she is the perfect soul-mate.
A lot of questions are asked in that limited window of time and most of the time the boy / girl cannot reach a conclusion. A few extra meetings are arranged.
If the answer is negative from any / both parties then like a programming go-to loop, the search starts all over again.
If the answer is in the positive from both parties (usually the yes/no comes from their parents) then parents consult the family astrologer, compare horoscopes and find a suitable date for marriage.
Once the date is fixed, the hunt for the marriage hall starts.
The date of the marriage happens to be an auspicious date and nearly all the marriage halls are booked.
Finally, after a lot of searching, a venue is found and booked.
Invitations are printed and sent across to all and sundry.
Preparations start in earnest and wedding shopping starts.
Some parties hold a small engagement ceremony while others don’t.
Marriage date approaches and the relatives start pouring in.
Finally D-day arrives and the marriage takes place a midst great pomp and ceremony.
And so I concluded. Our client was a good listener and drank in all that I said.
“Aaah!”, he said after I had finished, his face showing some kind of comprehension. But it was a very deep and guttural ‘Aaah’. I guessed his mind must have been in a kind of a tizzy digesting this piece of information.
“And the girl? I guess, she should be fine with it too.”, he asked my colleague after recovering a bit.
“Oh yes, of course!", my colleague replied. "Her parents have approved and so she is fine.” he said with an air of finality.
Again our visitor replied with an ‘Aaah’, this one deeper than the last. I guessed he must have felt some sort of pity for the girl.
“Well that’s cool.”, he replied at length, maybe for want of anything better to say. I thought he wouldn’t discuss this topic further. But I guess his curiosity got the better of him and he couldn't resist asking my colleague another question.
“Err …. So have you spoken to her then? You know … about compatibility issues and all that.”
“We have shown our Jaatakams to the astrologer. It is a good match. There are nineteen points matching for both of us.”, my colleague replied confidently.
My client looked at me with an expression akin to a man who was drowning in the sea and begging me to throw a line. I couldn’t blame him.
“He means the girls’ and his horoscopes match well. It's a custom we follow. We show the prospective brides' and grooms' horoscopes to the family astrologer. who compares them both and determines the suitability of the match.”, I explained.
This time he said another ‘Aaah’. If the previous ‘Aaah’s were anything to go by, this one would have been the mother of them all.
“So that’s how it works here.”, he said after I concluded. His countenance showed some relief as the air of mystery was cleared somewhat.
“You must find all this a bit strange.”, I said.
“Oh not at all! Each country has its own traditions.”, the client covered up, being a thorough gentleman.
“So how does it work down under?”, I asked, wanting to change the topic.
“Well down under it’s a bit different.”, he replied. “Kids usually become independent in their teens and start looking out for jobs to self-finance their education and their careers. They move out and become independent. They eventually find their soul mates on their own and settle down in life.”
It was my turn to say ‘Aaah’.
We did not discuss much on this topic for the rest of our meal, much to my relief. Our visitor probably felt that he had ventured too much into unknown territory.
This conversation left a deep and everlasting impact on my mind.